The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Randomize
