You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
