i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Randomize
