My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you win again, gameday.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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