Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
