FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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