are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
