This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
