he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
