i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
