9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
