You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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