Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
