Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
