I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
