If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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