I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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