Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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