I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
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I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
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I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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