No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
