I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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