Got a toothbrush?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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