My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
