he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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