if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
