Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I think i got beer on your cat.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
