btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
