just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
