If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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