A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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