I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
