a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
Randomize
