I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
