Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
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