I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
