then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
