Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
