is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
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