Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
