Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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