So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
