At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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