Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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