I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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