I will die if light touches me.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
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just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
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If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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