I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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