My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
