So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
