I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Dear god my vagina.
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