Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
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