her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
