He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
