Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
