where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There r osticjed everywhere
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
