I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
