I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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