the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Randomize
