I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
