Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
