I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
