U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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