is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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